Why Others’ Words & Ways Crush Us

Whether with our words or ways, unintentional or not, we have the tendency to hurt others. Last week my post Watching Our Words & Ways discussed this, along with the gospel self talk we must employ when we’re the ones hurt. But what that post did not address is why others’ words and ways are so crushing to us.

– Why we analyze and re-analyze everything they said and did to offend us.

– Why we try to pull others in, and on our side.

– Why we feel justified to retaliate instead of turning the other cheek.

– Why we avoid that person at all costs.

Have you been there too? I so wish I could let it just roll off my back. I hate how consumed I can become trying to make sense of some sort of rejection. Even if I wake up in the middle of the night when something has happened it’s the first thing that pops back into my mind. Then I create an imaginary action plan of what I can do to ensure I am understood or justified and she’s forced to see her wrongdoing.

But why do I have to be understood, justified and appreciated? Why can’t I be okay when others don’t love and accept me, don’t “follow” me, fail to support me or enter in with me? Why do I then want to make them pay for belittling, dismissing or mistreating me?

My husband proposed a reason I didn’t initially like, but the more I have mulled over it the more it makes sense. Here it goes: The reason others’ words and ways crush us is because we want to be exalted.

Instead of “You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power…” we live as if: “I am worthy, all you people, and demand your glory and honor, and the power befitting me!”

Now I know that might sound extreme, and you may think that’s not true of you. Or, at least not the reason others’ words and ways bother you. But at the heart of it, does it not affect us so bad because we want to be treated as important as we think we are?

Track with me here — if I am dismissed by someone, it makes me feel small. I don’t like feeling small because I want to be great, and to be thought of by others as great.

“I am worthy, all you people, and demand your glory and honor, and the power befitting me, so how dare you treat ME like that!”

In a recent sermon, my brother-in-law drew attention to John the Baptist’s response to others’ concerns about someone else baptizing in the Jordan (Jesus, no less!). They figured John the Baptist would be mad because this was his gig in his river. But, John the Baptist said, “I am not the Christ… He must increase, I must decrease.”

Unfortunately this message in our culture is lost. Even popular Christian influencers speak for the rise of SELF, instead of selfLESS. This is not a Christian message; Jesus said, “Deny yourself.”

In our inflated view of self we think others should treat us with the same importance we ascribe to ourselves. When they don’t, we in turn want to treat them as if they are less important. Because only by portraying them as less can we reestablish our importance. This goes right along with what we’ve always told our kids about people tearing others down in order to elevate themselves. When we get this it helps us see their evil words and ways more about trying to make them feel better than it is about the person torn down.

But it’s not just kids who do this. We all do in many different ways.

I may one-up a story to bring the attention back to me (Look at me- I’m the important one here!). Or, instead of being excited for someone else in her success, her fun vacation, or new venture, I jealously withhold my love. I may do this by simply not “liking” a photo, gossiping about her or giving her the silent treatment, all because I act as if her good fortune somehow makes me less.

I’m convinced SELF-EXALTATION is what’s fracturing friendships and driving loneliness. And because we all do it, I see the effects in marriages, families, with teens, in sorority life and other adult relationships. The only thing that will change it is when our need for self-importance decreases in our lives.

So how do we stop seeking our own self-importance?

We look to the One who knowingly, willingly decreased for our good. Jesus, though fully God, did not hold on to his right as God. He let go of what he deserved.

He stooped to serve selfish, self-exalting, self-important people!Click To Tweet

It is crazy to realize the most important being in the universe let go of his importance so we would know our importance in him. That he was mistreated and counted it as nothing. Not because it wasn’t nothing. It was, which means he also understands our hurts. But his hurt didn’t rule or compel him because his eyes were fixed on the Father’s love. May it be for us too.

Words and ways of others will still hurt. But the solution is not to make her pay, or demand we be treated like we think we deserve. No, the better solution is found when Christ in our lives increases and we decrease. Only then will it matter more, that unlike fading or fickle friendships, his love for us is unchanging, never-ending, all-perfect and supreme.

“You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power…(Revelation 4:11).”