Everywhere I speak, and in my own community, I see brokenness, trials and pain. Often times because of my writings, position as a pastor’s wife and experience as a mom these things are shared with me. Sometimes I have advice to offer, other times I have no idea what to say other than to pray. And while I believe the gospel speaks into all of life I’ve longed for more formal training. But with books and other responsibilities it hasn’t been the right time. Until now.
Two weeks ago I officially embarked on my graduate school journey toward becoming a licensed professional counselor. In these two weeks I’ve written two papers and read approximately 500 pages in text books, not to mention the orientation videos and YouTube tutorials on APA style citing. In a weird way I love it. But with responsibilities that never stop for a mom and pastor’s wife I’ve literally felt my heart about to explode out of me several times in these two weeks (including my birthday on Day Two of school) as I’ve fretted over how in the world I can possibly get it all done.
My poor husband. It’s all he’s heard from me and I hate that. I hate feeling short on time and I hate that not having control over my time stresses me out so much.
Cognitively, I know God is over my time and will give me the time to get done what needs to be done. I’ve even said this to a few friends– probably in an effort to convince myself it really is true because in the everyday “too-much-to-do” moments I forget. Like this week when I had to take one of my sons to the doctor… From the time I left home, picked him up at school, had the appointment, took him back to school and got home, my entire morning was literally gone and I was a wreck because of everything I hadn’t even started.
So along with the Orientation to Counseling and Professional Ethics material from my classes, I’m learning/relearning things about myself. Practically, I’m seeing what I need to let go of and where I need help, which is hard for someone likes me who tries to do it all by myself and in many cases (though not good) have been able to. Spiritually, I’m having my heart exposed.
At the root of my anxiety is lack of control. In my mind if I can control my time and keep out anything that infringes upon it, everything will fit together just the way I like it and all will be good. But life doesn’t work that way so it seems once again God is allowing my cup to be hit to show me how I try to live as my own god. I would rather not depend on him (or anyone else) to give me what I need. Ironic isn’t it, for someone going into a helping profession to want to reject help and lean on self-sufficiency?
But the beauty of self-awareness that comes in seeing sin, and also in counseling, is it opens our eyes to our need. And when we don’t know our need (or we temporarily forget it) we struggle trying to be superhuman instead of finding the rest that comes through dependency on God to provide what we need.
Lord, I need you every moment and every day to remind me because I have feeling I’ll forget this tomorrow.
