Six years ago my daughter was finishing 8th grade and ready for high school, just as my youngest is now. But in thinking back to her middle school years, it was different then.
At that time, Instagram was only beginning to grow in popularity. Before that kids with smart phones wasn’t even the norm. In fact, I remember being shocked when another mom told me kids were getting iPhones. A few short years later all three of my kids have them too.
During her middle school years I rarely heard about school disciplinary issues. A tardy, talking too loud in the cafeteria or a dress code violation was about it. But this year I’ve heard of kids in trouble for vaping, prescription pills, derogatory language, sexting, pornography, fights, disrespect, and vandalism. My son tells me the in-school suspension room is always full; my daughter knew no one who was suspended in middle school.
That’s not to say middle school didn’t have its challenges when she was there. I think we all know middle school has always been hard! But when her experience more closely resembles mine thirty-five years ago than it does her brother’s only 5-6 years later, you know things have changed.
Certainly the smart phone and social media are huge contributing factors. But as I’ve continued pondering how quickly problems are escalating, I keep coming back to something more glaring – societal trends in parenting.
Before I go further, please hear me first say: parents can do everything right and our children may still make poor choices. So this post is not meant to place the blame for all bad behavior on the parent. We could beat ourselves up endlessly when the reality is all sinful humans will make sinful choices.
If our tendency isn’t shame, another human default is self-justification. In naming some of the adverse parenting trends I see, I hope we will neither wallow in shame or quickly scroll on by. Instead in the vein of G.K. Chesterson’s response to the newspaper inquiry “What’s wrong in the world?” with “I am,” I hope we too will look inward.
Last year in my series, Before the Teen Years, I highlighted positive steps parents can take with younger children to help make the teen years go more smoothly. Well, the reverse is also true. What we do will leave imprints on our kids. As parents we are the primary shaping influencers.
To that end, I believe by and large what we see happening among middle school kids are the outward effects of what’s been manifesting in the home well before the teen years. In subsequent future posts I will expand on what briefly follows:
- Selfishness
The same could be said for skyrocketing divorce rates. Flat out, we are selfish. We don’t want to die to self for the good of others, even our children. We say they are our world , yet act inconvenienced by having to parent them. So much easier to just hand them a device.
2. Permissiveness
We really like comfort and ease and this trickles into our parenting too. Is it not why we give in (or cater) to our children’s desire rather than say “no,” or execute discipline when we should? It’s easier, more peaceful to just give them what they want. Not to mention, it serves our misguided goal of trying to be their friend and the cool parent.
3. Blindness
Whether making demands of a teacher, excusing bad behavior, falsely blaming someone else, or falling for the lies, we act as if our children can do no wrong. Not only that, but as if they deserve special privileges and exceptions to the rules. Is it any wonder they grow up entitled?
4. Fear
Our parenting decisions are often driven by other’s opinions and/or cultural conformity. We fear being left out (or our child being left out) if we don’t do what everyone else is doing/allowing. Plus, remember we want peace, so even when something is not best for our family/child, or morally right, we give in. FOMO wins the day, as our idols and insecurities rule over us.
5. Perfectionism
Blame it on the fear, but the pressure to be perfect that parents feel comes out on the kids. When our bar has been set with no room for error, kids experience great anxiety and stress. The other repercussion is they learn to hide things from their parents, not feeling like they can share honestly because of their parents unrealistic expectations and shock over sin.
I know none of this is easy to see in ourselves. But contrary to what many think, seeing our sin is a good thing. It is what shows us our need for a Savior and leads to rest in his finished work. So my hope in writing this is God would awaken us to where we need to change. Our kids need us to be the parent. They crave our attention, and boundaries. For His glory and the long-term good of our kids, families, schools and communities, let us love them as we are called.
This post led to a five part series on Parenting Pitfalls at the links that follow: Parenting Pitfalls: Selfishness Parenting Pitfalls: Permissiveness Parenting Pitfalls: Blindness Parenting Pitfalls: Fear Parenting Pitfalls: Perfectionism
Kristen, thank you for speaking His Truths in love.