My husband is a night owl. I am not. Nine-thirty is my preferred bedtime, or at least when I get in bed to read. On most nights that is exactly what time I disappear, leaving my husband to stay up until our teenagers are home. But lately I have been staying put in my chair a little later than normal. Not doing anything except mindlessly scrolling social media in between refreshing the Find Friends app hoping to see their little circle faces moving closer to home.
One recent night I forced myself to bed, but still my imagination didn’t bow to my body’s cues. Having a new driver does that. As does a kid out with unfamiliar friends. Or, when a kid is coming home late on a freeway or back-country road. Instead of winding down, my mind ramped up.
There could be drunk drivers out at this time on that road. What if my child gets pulled over and there is alcohol in his car? Can I trust these friends he’s with?
I know I’m not the only parent who knows what this is like. Tired parents lie sleepless the world over just waiting for their babies to get home and in bed.
It’s hard lying there knowing there is literally nothing I can do to fully protect my kids. I can’t make their choices for them, and I can’t keep bad things from happening. But in counting down the minutes until curfew, the fears surrounding driving and a night out, I’ve come to see is my worry stems from my real problem– waiting upon the Lord.
I want to be in control. An if I’m honest, I don’t trust God very well with my kids because I fear his will will won’t match mine. He might think suffering is necessary, and for our good. How dare he!
But if/when this is the case, can I still say He is good?
Only by his grace. So like the psalmists when I wrestle with what it looks like to trust the Lord in all things and my desire to be god, I often find myself accusing him of not being a good enough God (at least that’s what my controlling actions and worry show) while at the same time calling upon him to deliver me from the brokenness and suffering of this world and my unbelief.
Over and over again we are reminded in Scripture of his faithfulness to his promises and steadfast love to his people. He always comes through and is the Deliverer. It just doesn’t always look like what his people thought it would or wanted.
For us having the full picture from the Bible, we can look at the Israelites and say, “See, He did it, you had nothing to fear!” But this sure doesn’t easily translate when we can’t see what’s ahead in our own lives, or our kids.
We might even think, if we just knew how it would all play out it would be easier to trust him. But for a couple reasons I don’t think so.
- There is nothing like the unknown and fear that calls us into dependency in quite the same way. Therefore I see how through my worry and desire for control, God is drawing me to see more of my need for him.
- He gives us new mercies day by day. Grace for today’s worries, not tomorrows. And so again this keeps us tethered to him. In our weakness, need and insufficiency we see he is strong for us.
I know I will continue to worry. But my prayer and hope are he will meet me in it, and give me the grace no matter what to say, “Even still it is well with my soul.”
“But they who wait for the Lᴏʀᴅ shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
