The third article of the Before the Teen Years series. Links to all previous posts at the bottom.
In #3 of my list of Eight Things Parents Can Do Now to Shape the Teen Years Ahead I wrote: “Shepherd hearts rather than police behavior. If you’re only concerned about having an outwardly well-behaved kid and punish/address the external behavior without going under the surface to see what is driving the behavior, you will simply put band-aids on the real issue. By the time they become teens they may master the art of “appearing” godly, but their heart may be far from him. So you’ve got to deal with the root sin (the idolatry) of what is controlling their heart to lead them in deep dependence on Jesus.”
This goes hand in hand with the need to create categories for better understanding the heart. But I separated this one out because of our tendency with discipline/correction to focus on behavior modification and not the heart.
Of course, it’s way easier (and faster) to simply address the bad behavior than to take the time to help our children see why they did or said what they did, or didn’t do what they were supposed to. But settling for commands (do this/don’t do that) will always miss the mark on shepherding their hearts. This is because the law can’t save. The intent of the law is to lead us to the One who can, which is what we must help our kids see.
Otherwise, like in the parable of the prodigal son our kids may do the right thing but as the elder brother actually be “far from home.” This is because (as detailed in previous posts) sin is more than outward behavior; it is wrong motives, evil desires and the ultimate turning away from God to false gods looking for what only God can give. This means they may be doing the right thing to avoid punishment. Or, they may be faking it altogether by acting “good” when mom or dad is around, but hiding what is really going on.
Sadly, this is predominate in the church and in Christian culture where we look upon someone as being “on fire” for the Lord or as a “godly” kid based solely on their outward behavior. But anyone can pretend. So I would argue a better indicator than behavior is what they do with their sin as discussed in the last post on living redemptively.
The hypocrisy we inadvertantly lead our kids to, I also believe is a huge reason so many kids who grow up in the chuch abandon the church when they get to college. They are tired of playing the “Christian” game, and ready to live however they want.
The real problem though is their understanding of what Christianity truly is. Christianity is not moralism. It’s not trying to get better and better, or about being good. It’s about seeing we aren’t good, which is why we need a Savior. It’s about believing God’s acceptance of us is based on Jesus’s perfection, not ours. Seeing this frees us from the chains of performance and leads us to rest in his performance.
When we get this, a funny thing happens- we want to obey him because of what he’s done for us. So now obedience becomes our heart’s delight, instead of duty. Being led to understand this is what will drive our children to want to live for Christ, and not run from the church. So next time you are tempted to act life a police instead of a shepherd, consider what that communicates to your kids about who Jesus is. And then ask him to help you perserver with wisdom and patience on the long road of discipleship.
Related posts: Before the Teen Years: Living Redemptively in Our Home Before the Teen Years: Getting to the Heart of Sin with Our Kids 8 Things Parents Can Do Now to Shape the Teen Years Ahead
