Last Saturday night my nephew went to his prom, as high school seniors all over the country are doing this month and have been looking forward to. But for he and his group of friends to get dressed to go have fun at prom was no easy thing. In fact, there had been discussion about whether they should – or even could – make themselves go. The reason: just days before the unimaginable changed everything for their tight-knit small town community.
One of my nephew’s best friends, who should’ve been with them at prom, committed suicide. Today my nephew will be serving as a pall bearer.
When my brother-in-law called my husband with the tragic news, it was the second suicide within two days for us hear about. The day before a friend of mine in another city had shared with me about her son’s friend doing the same.
Teen suicide is on the rise.
Research shows from 1986 to 2014 suicide rates steadily declined, but in just the last three years it has jumped back up by a quarter. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the rise is occuring within every age group under 75, and with both men and women. But the percent increase among young people is highest, especially girls between the ages of 10-14 (www.npr.org). Also noted: 90% of those who commit suicide had an underlying mental health issue.
As an author and speaker on teen topics, and a parent of one who has struggled with an eating disorder and depression, mental health issues and their far-reaching effects is something I’ve become more keenly aware of in the last few years. All mental health issues have been on the rise.
Many factors are at play, but I think the connection to the increase of social media during this same time period plays a huge part. Behind the scenes (and screens) teens are consumed by comparison and struggling under enormous pressure. Pressure to be seen as perfect -to be perfect- in every realm. Failure to measure up, whether by self-imposed or external standards, leads to great insecurity, self-hatred and shame that can quickly spiral downward. Without meaning to oversimplify or negate other causes, the fact more teens and college students than ever before are struggling with depression and anxiety goes hand in hand.
This heartbreaking reality should serve as a big red flag to the church, parents of teens, and those who work with teens. While I do not presume to know or speak to the reasons behind the aformentioned suicides, “events that produce feelings of failure or loss, such as getting in trouble, having an argument, breaking up with a partner, or receiving a bad grade on a test” are reasons listed on healthychildren.org that lead teens to make the rash decision to take their own life. And I would add that looking at life through a selfie grid is what blinds them – and all the rest of us – to the hope of the One who looks upon us with compassion, showers us with forgiveness and grace, and promises to make all things new.
As the church and as parents, we can do alot of prevention simply by helping our kids look outside of self and pointing them to the One who measured up perfectly for them*. Christ did everything necessary to achieve God’s perfect standard for us. And he gave us this identity when he went to the cross bearing our sin and failures in exchange for his perfect performance. So when our kids mess up they need the grid of the gospel to see who Jesus is for them. When our kids feel hopeless or less than, they need the grid of the gospel to see the One who promises hope and a future in a life centered on him – not self.
I know this is easier said than believed. Only God can open eyes and hearts to accept his goodness and grace. But he tells us in his word that in the gospel is the power for salvation and to transform lives. It is the healing balm our souls need to hear, over and over again. So when we talk to our teens and walk alongside those in our circles, let’s not be okay with just keeping conversation on the surface. Let’s dig deeper so we know how to apply the gospel truth to specific areas of their lives. Let’s also help them see we “get” it because we too forget who Jesus is for us and we too need the gospel to penetrate our hearts. And above all, let’s pray for a generation of young people who desperately need to see the glories of who Jesus is for them and to know he is with them.
Suicide and mental health struggles do not have the final word. At the cross Christ triumphed once and for all over sin and Satan to set us free. This is our great hope as we persevere in this life, looking to him as the author and the finisher of our faith.
* Additional article on talking to your teens, click here. Suicide resource book for the church: here.
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Thank you for this. Thank you for standing up and speaking out. http://www.becauseofhanah.org
Love,
Kym
Hanah’s Mom
Thank you for sharing your link. I am so sorry to know of your loss of Hanah and can only imagine how much you miss her. May God use her story & your family to save lives and bring support to others who are hurting. Kristen
Beautiful poignant article. Thank you for sounding the alarm! The more folks wake up to this heartbreaking reality the better. However as a Christian psychologist I have to ask myself and the church, what are we missing?? Somehow this gospel message isn’t working. More of our kids are leaving the church, more are becoming self-destructive so I don’t think we need to keep repeating the same message in the same way. I wish I had a better answer but I’m left with the question of why ‘the gospel’ doesn’t penetrate our deepest aches? How do we tell them that “the gospel” is a Spirit inside them that they can feel, experience and hear? And He desires to meet our deepest desires. I don’t think kids or even most adults I know really understand what to do with “it’s all about Him, stop focusing on yourself.” I believe that message adds to their deep internal shame and self-hatred. In this way I think the church adds unwittingly to the pressure kids feel. Many I believe are wondering is this church message of ‘be good and try harder’ all there is? That may not be what we’re saying but it’s what they’re hearing. How do we reach our very own church kids who’ve heard the gospel all their lives?
Thank you for taking the time to respond; I absolutely agree with you! The church is missing something… the gospel. I’m afraid moralism has become mistaken for Christianity and the gospel of grace replaced with be good/try harder and the church doesn’t even realize what has become broadly accepted as Christianity is not the true gospel. From my experience leading teen and college girls over the past 15 years, even those who have grown up in the church cannot articulate what the gospel is, and the doctrine of justification is not something they are readily familiar with. And yet, in it is the power. It is critical to our understanding of who Jesus is for us and therefore who we are in him. In him there is no shame, but it’s not the message being proclaimed. The gospel is more than he died for us, it is also Christ lived the perfect, sinfee life for us. So when we are made right (justified) at the time of our salvation his identity is given completely to us. Now God views us according to how he sees his son – holy, perfect, righteous. Even in our sin. When we get this, the implications and the freedom that comes are far-reaching. But sadly, this is not what students (and even adults) are receiving at church. And because kids are understanding who he is for them, the extent of their sin and need and instead are hearing a lot of do’s and don’ts, they do go to college and leave the church behind. I’ve written on this very topic several times. And its also why I have stumbled into writing for teens and the reason behind my first book, Get Your Story Straight. Three books that have been hugely influencial to me in better understanding my identity in Christ and his worth and work for me are: Extravagant Grace by Barbara Duguid, From Fear to Freedom by Rose Marie Miller and Seated with Christ by Heather Holleman. You can read about each here: https://www.kristenhatton.com/my-favorite-books-of-the-year/
A few more related links to past posts: https://www.kristenhatton.com/what-the-church-is-missing/ and https://www.kristenhatton.com/get-your-story-straight-in-30-days/ I hope this addresses your questions and provides hope that the age-old gospel message is still the answer. We just need to get straight what that really is and how it applies. Am happy to dialogue further. Again, thank you. Its always nice to engage with readers.
Wow. I will check out the books you mentioned. My son used to “date” the girlfriend of your nephew’s friend. We ache for all involved. I still wonder though how we move from ideas/truths/doctrine and help kids encounter and experience God? I think of John 5:39 where Jesus says “you search the scriptures…” Maybe I need to order your book!
Yes, I know many adults who have done Get Your Story Straight alongside their teen, or even on their own. Obviously I recommend it:) but the idea behind it is to get the gospel straight so we do see how it applies to all of life.
Great article. Social Media. Social media makes life so much harder. Even for older adults, I can’t imagine the pressure it puts on teens who feel like they are under a microscope anyway. I look at the posts and it feels like I am the only one who does not have the perfect family. It camouflages the challenges in life other people are having and makes a person wonder, “Why isn’t my life this perfect.” In reality everyone has their own brand of challenges. An older person can see through that screen if they know the person ell enough but with less life experience in life a teenager cannot.
As an older person Social media allows me to keep up with friends I know I will never see again. That part is wonderful. With people you don’t know as well you can’t see through the “screen”. If someone struggling with depression you lose that ability to see through he screen. Social Media has made life more complicated.
Yes, so so true. It affects all of us for sure. Ultimatley though its the sin within us (social media brings it out) that we need to see so we can see more our need for a Savior!