Where in the world did twenty years go?
Like it was yesterday, I remember pulling up to the church on a beautiful January day; full of expectation and excitement. Yet so much has happened between then and today that the days faded into years are mostly blurred memories of high points and lows. At the time, twenty years ago, I couldn’t have possibly understood what I know to be true about marriage now so in many way it was saying ‘I Do’ without a clue.
It’s not that I, or any other couple, doesn’t sincerely mean what they vow. Rather, I think by God’s grace we enter into the convenant of marriage without fully knowing what is to come or fully what we are committing ourselves to so we learn through the years together what it means to trust God. Depending on him during the worse and the poorer and the sickness, that we swear to keep on loving and cherishing through, isn’t something we even have a category for until we’ve been there.
And we will get there, for better, for worse. It is then through the conflicts and trials we begin to see how saying ‘I do’ is often based more on a ‘feeling love’ and our commitment tied more to personal happiness and met needs than a commitment to love and to serve for the good of the other, for better, for worse.
Therefore, marriage can’t be based on love alone. Standing the test of time requires faithful commitment to the promise of ‘I do.’ A promise that I’ve clued in to see that but by the grace of God is anyone ever able ‘to death do us part.’
I need Him to love Pete through me because if I’m honest, as one of my recent posts addressed we do a far better job loving ourselves than our neighbors. And as poor a job we do loving our neighbors, quite often we still love our neighbors better than our own family!
So my two biggest take-aways after twenty years is just how much I need Jesus, all the time. And how thankful I am He is for me what I am not.
Twenty years ago I didn’t know how self-focused I could be. I didn’t see my impatience or the anger that a pet-peeve could produce. Ten years ago I was still figuring out how to communicate and ten days ago I was too. Obviously we’ve learned alot and lots of little things don’t bother me now, but the more we uncover together, the more there is to wade through.
For instance, twenty years ago I thought I was pretty good, but now I see what I’m pretty good at is figuring out how to get my way. I often care more about myself, my convenience and my desires than what my husbands wants. Twenty years ago I didn’t know how much I needed Jesus’ goodness for me for all the ways I am not.
Twenty years ago, I didn’t see my pride, but now I see how I often think I am better than my husband because of everything I accomplish in a day. Not only that, but this pride easily morphs into bitterness when I then compare what I have done to take care of the kids, house and day to day details and see myself as perfect. Yuck. Twenty years ago I didn’t know how much I needed Jesus perfect record for me.
And now I see how He was others-focused for me in my sinful self-consumption. I see how He was never too busy or preoccupied for me in my dismissivness. He never spoke harshly out of anger for me. He always forgave unconditionally for me. And on and on… You see, this is what it means to see who Jesus is for us, practically! And the longer I have been married and see my sin, specifically, the more thankful I am for Him.
I will continue to fail as a wife, but by his unfailing grace and commitment to me may I still stand committed to ‘I do.’ By this same grace may the feeling of love continue to miraculously grow us through weathering the sin and the storms, the hurt and the hard together. Growing in Grace together.
