A theme has been developing among my recent posts. It wasn’t planned this way; in fact, I have written two other articles ready for posting only life keeps happening! While the issues occupying space in my head and heart center around life with a graduating senior, none of these posts are exclusive to parents in this stage of life. Like with my last post about trusting God with our children, what brought out the fear and desire to control in me may not be the same for you, but if you are a parent of any age child I have no doubt you know what I’m talking about.
Well, control is still my issue today only it’s manifesting itself differently and requiring me to consider why I have such a hard time not bursting into the middle of my daughter’s “bubble.” By bubble I mean space. And if our kids want anything – it’s space.
At times we absolutely need to be in their business, but what I’m referring to now is something different. Today when this term “bubble” surfaced during a most beneficial chat session between my daughter and I and an outside voice, it helped me see how I have been trying to break the bubble.
To be honest, senior year is hard for many reason but topping the list is the fact our chidren grow more and more independent and we moms have a hard time letting go. Then add in the unique dynamics of mothers and daughters and it becomes a real emotional roller coaster. I mean one minute my daughter and I are laughing are heads off and the next minute she doesn’t want to see my face. This was last night, by the way.
So today when our friend drew a circle around a dot to represent the bubble surrounding my daughter, the large size of the circle is what stood out to me. I don’t know why this was such a light bulb moment, other than the fact I could visibly see illustrated how I suffocate her when I don’t give her enough space.
Ugh! Why can’t I keep my mouth shut? Why do I always have to try to control? Why do I make her stress mine?
It’s so hard not to jump in the middle of the circle – especially in our culture of helicopter parenting. We mean well in our desire to help and make things easier, but let’s call it for what it is – trying to control. And if I’m honest that is exactly why I ask (okay, nag) my daughter about her school work and get irritated if she is idle when I know how much she has on her plate.
While it doesn’t make sense to me why she wouldn’t want to do things my way, she doesn’t need my constant voice of reason opinion when it adds to the pressure she already feels. Instead of helping, what she hears me say is, “You can’t manage in college without me.”
While I have jokingly said such, I didn’t realize how she had started to believe that maybe she wouldn’t be able to manage without me. Sweet baby girl, nothing could be further from the truth, but that’s not what my actions have communicated. So instead of crippling her with doubt I need to allow her to soar by shutting up and supporting the way God has gifted her to think and operate.
I imagine as her well-meaning mother I will continue wrestling with my urge to take control for the rest of my life. It makes me laugh though in anticipation of how many times my daughter will gently (hopefully gently) remind me “to get out of her bubble.” Not because she wants to push me out of her life, only because she needs space to breathe.
Sometimes loving our children well means taking a step back, even if that means allowing them to fail. After all isn’t that how we grow – learning by experience? I know my daughter can succeed on her own. Now it’s time for her to discover that truth herself by me backing away and not bursting into her bubble!
So normal… All those feelings, you hanging on, kind of desperately, fearful of letting go! She is pushing away, in he midst of a strange, really new for her, transition. Fearful of going it alone and really excited about launching!
I promise, Kristen! She needs you, but it’ll be on her terms from now on. She’ll call to get advice and cry on your shoulders… and share new experiences and introduce you to new people who will be some of her life long friends!
You guys have prepared her for this! God is totally trustworthy! Even when things aren’t going like we plan, He continues to prove to us that He has this covered for us! Rest in that this last bit of time with her at home and enjoy your time with your daughter!
There will grow in the place of this old relationship of a girl and her mother , a wonderful new, rich and open friendship! I’m going from experience X3! Look forward to that now when you feel those sad feelings breaking in., remind yourself.
We are so blessed as moms! And oh my goodness, I can’t explain to you the sheer joy of watching your daughter become a parent and mother! These last 8 months have added another level to my relationship with my oldest daughter! And there’s that grandbaby!!! Oh my goodness! Blessings Friend!
Wow, this is awesome Kristen! I do understand why some believe “just go whip out that paper”, because it is easily and effectively accomplished for many but not all.
Please enjoy the laughter and fun of a bottle of bubbles with your daughter but maybe not a “life” bubble. So glad I was able to be is some help. ??
As Daniel in the lions den, Shadrach , Meshach, and Abed-nego in the fiery furnace , and many more- our children are never alone in the bubble. The One who made them in the exact way He intends to use them is right there with them. Although I knew this- I chose not to live it Many times. I did not want to invade my children’ts space- I wanted to share their bubble. I said it was because I loved the Lord and I love them and I was responsible to God to “give them truth” ( God has a plan for your life and I know what it is)”- I have burst so many of their precious bubbles- I have gone to Amazon today and found a super pro bubble machine for each of them, even though they are in their thirties- to see if I can make up for my control issues. the problem is- we don’t get do-overs as parents. We are forgiven for our sins, but live with the consequences forever.
Good news- God’s great grace and mercy is so much bigger than our failures- my bubble crushed daughter went to Baylor to college 14 years ago and was “adopted ” by Pete and Kristen Hatton. They had the hard task of undoing all my bubble crashing of 17 years. They changed her life, our lives and a simple thank you would never be enough. Pete was the minister at our daughter’s wedding, and Rebecca was a junior bridesmade- she was eleven ! How great is a God to give a mess of a mom – the gift of this family. Have no fear moms- in spite of us- God is ALWAYS working.
Lynda Smith Swann
Lynda you have me in tears! Parker and all the rest of the Swann family are so dear to us. I am so thankful after 14 years (how is that so!) we are still connected. I love the super pro bubble machine- I think I may just need that for Rebecca’s graduation day!! Love, Kristen