When I first wrote about sextortion in 2020, it was an issue relatively unknown and untalked about. Since then reports of sextortion are up 700%, with over 13,000 reports made to the FBI between October 2021 and March 2023. Certainly, thousands more incidents went unreported.
For those unfamiliar, the FBI defines sextortion as when a perpetrator coerces someone to create and send sexually explicit material and then threatens to release the compromising material unless the victim sends more images or makes a financial payment. Victims are frequently teen and college-aged boys targeted through social media direct messaging.
For instance, a pretty girl or someone posing as a pretty girl follows a teen boy on Instagram and then slides into his DM (direct messaging) with a link to video chat. Understandablly, his interest his piqued making him ripe for what comes next. Upon clicking the link, the girl shows up on video–partially or fully undressed. Captive by what he sees, he willingly responds to her instructions while watching her perform. BAM! She then flips the camera to reveal she’s caught him on video masturbating. As if the shock and humiliation over what just transpired isn’t enough, she threatens to send the video to every contact in his phone unless he wires her a substantial sum.
As you can imagine, he panics. The thought of being “seen” by everyone he knows sends him spiraling. For guys who can pay without involving anyone else they often do. But they are left riddled with shame and can sink into depression. Self-harm and substance use frequently become ways of coping, and tragically for some, death by suicide has resulted.
Parents–our children need to know they can come to us with anything. But this doesn’t happen just because we tell them they can! They learn whether we are “safe” to share with based on how we respond to things they say or do, and by what we bring up and talk about.
Imagine how different things might be if a guy caught in the described predicament confided in his parents. Instead of irrationally making a huge payment we could help him realize the scam. And rather than living with shame in secret, he could experience the embrace of unconditional love and hear reminders of God’s truth.
Or, if this had been a topic talked about previously, perhaps he would not have fallen prey. Of course, as parents we can’t prevent all evil and we will never perfectly do all that we can or should. In our failures, receive God’s unconditional love for YOU!
And know that whatever stage you are in with your kids, the very best way to protect them is forging into difficult conversations and not allowing anything to be taboo. For internet filters and other restrictions are helpful in protecting our children, but they aren’t fool-proof and don’t replace the honest conversations our children need us to have. By talking about hard things you are giving a gift to your child that may spare him or her from wrestling alone with secrets, sin, and shame. You may also spare yourself from later wrestling with regret after discovering what your child hid that prevented you from being there when he or she needed you most. Therefore, as uncomfortable as it feels to start conversations about pornography, sex, or sextortion, or as much as you worry that in doing so your kids will lose their innocence too young, they need us to initiate.
Finally, in the struggle to navigate these topics–what to say and how to engage with your kids–remember you are not alone. God is with you. Turn to him in prayer, telling him your worries and fears (Philippians 4:6–7). Seek his wisdom (James 1:5). And be encouraged that he will provide for all of your needs, enabling you to step into the challenging conversations (Philippians 4:19). In your insufficiency, his power, his strength, and his grace abound (2 Corinthians 12:9)!
