Pre-Teen “Sephora Kids” and The Parenting Opportunity

When I was in middle school in the early to mid-80’s, it was important to me to have a Forenza rugby shirt from The Limited, Guess Jeans, and a Dooney & Burke purse. When my daughter was in middle school around 2010, if girls didn’t have a Vera Bradley lunch bag, Miss Me jeans and Uggs they were “out.” In today’s world, the newest pre-teen trend (starting at even younger ages now) is high-end beauty products, so much so that these young shoppers have been dubbed–“Sephora kids.” 

A difference with these girls from a decade or so ago when my young adult daughter was their age is the power of social media influence. No longer do girls simply see what others are wearing at school. It’s what classmates are wearing PLUS what they see from influencers on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. Makeup tutorials and skin care regimens—many made even by girls their age—are all over social. So of course, they see other girls using these products (or hear from their friends if they aren’t yet on social) and don’t want to be left out. 

As a counselor zeroed in on developmental milestones, I understand the pull toward brand-name trendy possessions. In this stage pre-teens are developing self-confidence before moving into identity formation. But it’s all on shaky ground. To not fit in and look like their peers breeds enormous insecurity. Because this is where they are mentally and emotionally, I have compassion on them. At the same time, as a believer I see their developmental stage as a part, not the whole, of what’s beneath their desires. As a parent I would use this opportunity to talk about what’s ruling their hearts and how they are looking to these things to give them the acceptance, security and worth that they crave. 

Perhaps parents should also probe their hearts. While on one-hand, this is a common age-old issue for girls this age, there is more both under the surface and that is surfacing.

All over social media, posts are calling out Sephora kids’ unbecoming behavior in the stores as much as their high-dollar purchases. Many store clerks are recalling rude and demanding flocks of young girls making a mess of products, including over-pumped samples, cutting in line, and interrupting clerks helping other shoppers. And yes, they are also expressing outrage over ten-year-olds racking up hundreds of dollars on products their young skin does not only doesn’t need but is harmful to their skin.

In my book, Parenting Ahead, I talk about overparenting and underparenting and the idols that drive each parenting style. In this case, underparenting is at play. Under-parenting parents love their children, just as over-parenting parents do, but for them the desire for their children to be happy and to keep a peaceful relationship rules. Consequently, there are few boundaries. These parents are prone to giving into their children and not saying “no.” Thus, we see unattended girls in these stores acting in disrespectful ways and spending exorbitant amounts of money with their parents’ credit cards on products they don’t need. 

A repercussion of underparenting is entitlement. Also, expectation, instant gratification, and demand. The behavior happening in the stores appears to fit the bill. What we don’t see yet, unless we put on our “parenting ahead” glasses, is how a lack of boundaries and monitoring will shape these girls well into the future. I argue in my book that the stakes get higher as they get older. By this I mean, it may feel relatively benign to give in to a fussy young child over something small, but if a pattern develops in which the child learns how to manipulate to get her way, the demands will only become bigger, behavior worse, and parenting more challenging.

Now I will admit, I bought my niece a couple trendy beauty items for Christmas, but I researched first to make sure I didn’t purchase products bad for her young skin. I tell you this because the issue at hand is not a completely black and white. I’m not arguing that we shouldn’t let our girls have any of what looks fun and their friends have, but they don’t need $500+ worth or something toxic to them. And certainly, they DO need to learn to treat others respectfully.

Parents, you have the power to change things, and a great opportunity here to shepherd your daughters’ hearts and check yours. Remember, boundaries are loving. And our end goal shouldn’t be temporary happiness or peace, but the person they are becoming.