What Parents of Teenagers Need To Know

Disclaimer: This post includes R-rated topics from the often X-rated world of today’s teen culture.

‘Like a kid in a candy store’ seems to apply to how some boys I’ve talked to view the accessibility of girls on their phones. And this increased availability of options… seems to be causing… boys to undervalue the importance of any particular girl, and to treat girls overall with less respect…

“…Naked images of…girls (are) equivalent to baseball cards or Pokemon cards…a kind of ‘social currency‘”

“…girls said they didn’t think most girls who posted provactive photos…were trying to elicit sexual encounters…They’re just trying to get more likes…”

“I asked them (girls being interviewed) if boys and girls ever went out on dates…They laughed ‘Noooooo…That’s too awkward… Dating now is just to hook up and take selfies…“

These snippets off the pages of the most significant book I read this summer: American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers are not nearly as explicit or shocking as much of the research and interviews author Nancy Jo Sales conducted with thousands of teen girls and guys across the country for this book. The vulgar language, real-life descriptions and forthright conversations regarding body image, social media, desire for fame, sexting, pornography, the hook-up culture, and more made the book hard to digest even though most of what I read wasn’t totally new news to me.

For nearly fifteen years I have had a front row seat into the lives of teenagers. Eight of those years were spent ministering to college students alongside my husband in his role as a campus minister. By the time we transitioned into church-planting, we were also shifting into our season of parenting teens, which is where we are still with one in college, one in high school and one in middle school. That is why I’m not easily surprised by what I hear about teenagers – but I am grieved.

Saddened over the reality of:

• Sixth grade boys already contending with girls’ forward advances.
• The prevalence of pornography, crass conversations about girls, and vapes in the locker rooms, starting in middle school.
• Drugs so common even my youngest is aware of users.
• The exorbitant number of high school girls sending nude/semi nude photos to guys who then share them.
• The embraced normalcy of promiscuity and the pervasiveness of college students and young professionals using apps like Tinder for easy access to hook-up partners.
• College girls, passed out at parties, being carried off by guys without anyone stepping in to make sure they don’t become the 1-in-5 rape statistic.

While these issues may have been present when we were teens, the degree and widespread acceptance of what’s happening now is very different. And apart from locking our kids inside, inescapable. Therefore, as parents it is crucial we aren’t naive to what is going on at middle schools, high schools and college campuses everywhere. Our teenagers need us to help them navigate what they are being exposed to. 

We must get our heads out of the sand and we must also not throw our arms up in despair, believing ‘teens will be teens’ and there is nothing we can do. I know talking about these things with our kids feels awkward, but it has to become part of our ongoing conversation.

What I see though as the most important component to preventing our kids from living as the culture is not addressed in the book, since it is written simply from an observation and research perspective. But I believe our talking must extend to giving our kids the biblical lenses to view the culture and themselves in it.

It’s not enough to educate our kids about right and wrong behavior. And laying down the law will only serve to make them more secretive. *What our kids need most is help seeing the idols of their heart – those things they must have at all cost, whether it be attention, affirmation, popularity, beauty, fame, etc. From there they need to understand how their idols drive their behavior (the why behind what they do) in order to deal honestly with their sin*. It takes seeing their sin to know their need for Jesus. And until they know how desperately they need Jesus, the appeal of this culture will always shine brighter. Parenting teens is a tough job, but it is imperative we enter into the muck and the mess of this teenage culture with our teens.

*Note: If you are unsure how to move forward in addressing such things, I would love to hear from you. I am always happy to offer reading recommendations, to speak to groups or consider leading a local Bible study. 

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