Last week I shared some observations in What I See after 8 Years of Being a Middle School Parent. If you read the piece you know it was less about middle school kids and their issues, and more about parenting. Likely, I stepped on some toes. But as my husband’s seminary professor used to say, “If I step on your toes I’ll try not to scuff your shoes.”
My desire wasn’t to shame or judge, but to gently rebuke. Praise God, He can redeem all things – even our parenting mistakes. But while it’s never too late, it’s also never too early to proactively work against the parenting pitfalls I’ll be addressing in this series. This post marks the first of five.
In the 8 Years of Being a Middle School Parent article I stated, “…We don’t want to die to self for the good of others, even our children. We say they are our world , yet act inconvenienced by having to parent them. So much easier to just hand them a device.”
None of us are not guilty. Handing over a device or not, just consider your response toward your child(ren) in the following scenarios…
- A friend is over and all you want is to enjoy a uninteruppted conversation over a glass of wine.
- It’s been a long, busy day, all you want is to sit down in silence for thirty minutes to catch up on emails. Or, maybe you willingly skip the thirty minutes with a plan of getting in bed early to watch your favorite show.
- School is out so you have no choice but to load up your kids to run errands, but there is no way you are dealing with any tantrums or fighting.
There is nothing wrong with your desire in each of these situations. But when our kid “hits our cup” so to speak, we find ourself at a crossroad. However we respond will be evident of what rules us in that moment. Is it our desire for what we want, or our willingness to shepherd, discipline and care for our child?
Of course, we won’t always deal with our kids as we should. But even when we allow our desires to trump everything else, opportunities to live redemptively with our kids arise. What I fear is more and more frequently it is unrecognized selfishness in parenting winning the day.
With no recognition, there is no repentance.
All we see is what we think we deserve, but when our children get in the way of that desire someone will suffer. Either we will have to temporarily die to ourselves and our own desires. Or, our children will fall under the wrath of our interrupted agenda, or be neglected altogether. Neglected in the sense of our failure to parent, shepherd, communicate, pay attention, or discipline as we should. Often, this is when we hand over a device, bribe them with a treat to obey, and beg them to leave us alone.
What does this communicate to them about who we love? Consider Deuteronomy 6:5-7:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words (the word about God) that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”
Do we really love the Lord with all our heart, soul and might and therefore our children, or is it we love ourselves more?
If the Lord is our highest priority, we should be talking and teaching to our children about Him. That means weaving his truths into our daily conversations and circumstances. Both in our words and by our actions.
What this doesn’t mean is we can’t ever enjoy that glass of wine with a friend, thirty-minutes of peace or tantrum-free errands. No, quite the opposite. When we put the hard work of parenting in, we will have those moments. They come with the consistent, purposeful teaching of our children within the framework of God’s word.
How we parent in the day to day moments, day after day, matters.
I don’t believe in the mantra “teens will be teens.” By and large I believe our teens will become who we’ve shaped them to be since childhood. So the question is this: Are we willing to do the hard work of dying to self in the short-term for the long-term good of our children?
This is the first in a five part series. For the next in the Parenting Pitfalls series and the post that led to the series click links below: What I Seee After 8 Years of Being a Middle School Parent Parenting Pitfalls: Permissiveness Parenting Pitfalls: Blindness Parenting Pitfalls: Fear Parenting Pitfalls: Perfectionism
Excellent and the absolute truth.