“Everybody else has ___________.” “Everybody else is going to ____________.” “Everybody else watches ________________.” “Nobody else has to ___________.”
Every parent has heard some version of this, have we not? Just fill in the blank!
With our oldest, middle school started with “Everybody else has a phone.” By the end of high school it was “nobody else has my curfew.”
Whether it’s a cell phone, an app, movie, video game, clothing item, party, curfew or something else, our kids work hard to beat us down. They are persistent, aren’t they? But when more often than not it works, why of course! How ironic though that the very thing that drives them – what everybody else is doing – trips us up too.
As believers, why do we base our parenting decisions on what everybody else is okay with instead of the litmus test of God’s Word?
If His word shapes our understanding of the human heart and the world around us, then all of life should be viewed through gospel glasses. So though not every parenting issue is black and white, when we know our innate bent toward sin and God’s call for us to be holy (not as a means of gaining His acceptance, but as a reflection of what he has done for us in salvation) we have the filters in which to carefully evaluate our parenting decisions.
But like our kids, at any given moment we too are ruled by false gods and wrong desires. In the case of permissive parenting, it seems the desires of going along with the majority, being the cool parent, or our kid’s friend get the best of us. When this is true, rationalizing what “so and so” is allowing for and why it must okay becomes easy.
Giving in to what our kids want and/or what everyone else is doing is not loving our kids well.
Our kids crave and need boundaries. Highly doubtful they will admit this, but Scripture tells us it’s true. Even psychology books agree. Boundaries are necessary for their physical safety and health, as well as their spiritual development and emotional well-being. But we don’t treat the latter with the same seriousness as we should.
For my daughter it took a conversation with a new college friend to finally see our boundaries as loving, and admit she is thankful we held our ground. You see, her friend grew up having the cool parents. They hosted parties and allowed alcohol. At the time, she thought it was awesome. But in looking back she felt like their love of the “cool parent” label trumped their love for her. “Did they not care enough about me to enforce a curfew or any rules?”
She isn’t the only one who has made similar comments to my daughter. It took growing up and gaining some perspective for these now young adults to see.
Parents, permissiveness may make you popular with your kids in the short-run, but you are not doing him/her any favors. May we instead diligently care for their soul by keeping our eyes set on the hope of who our children will grow up to be.
By faith Moses, when he was born, was hidden for three months by his parents, because they saw that the child was beautiful, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict. By faith Moses, when he was grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter,choosing rather to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. He considered the reproach of Christ greater wealth than the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking to the reward.” Hebrew 11:23-26
To hear our daughter, who now has all the freedom of a typical college student, say she misses our protective rules and restraints is more than encouraging. It helps push us forward on the long, hard road of parenting upstream with our sons, and more importantly gives confirmation of the truth of God’s word.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
This is the second in a five part series. For the other posts in the Parenting Pitfalls series and the post that led it click links below: What I Seee After 8 Years of Being a Middle School Parent Parenting Pitfalls: Selfishness Parenting Pitfalls: Blindness Parenting Pitfalls: Fear Parenting Pitfalls: Perfectionism
