The last in the series of Parenting Pitfalls. But before I jump in with perfectionism, I want to reiterate what I said in the first post about stepping on toes. Where you may have felt conviction (or maybe defensiveness) please be assured my words are not out of judgment. Everything I’ve written is what I must wrestle with and remember myself.
This parenting gig, it is not easy! None of us are going to get it all right, all the time. What I hope we can see is even our mess ups are divine opportunities for living redemptively in our homes. But one of our stumbling blocks comes in the form of expectations that don’t allow for the growing in grace.
We hold ourselves and our kids not to a standard of grace, but perfection. And we live in a society that deems anything less than perfect as not good enough. In fact, something I’ve learned from observing teens is even being “perfect” or at the top in one realm is not enough. They feel like they must be the best at everything they do.
From the time they are young, competition begins. Grades, sports, appearance, popularity, social media followers/ “likes,” they have to be and do it all. All the time. This ties back to yesterday’s post about who or what we worship that makes us/them feel like there is no jumping off the hamster wheel of performance.
Consider than what values our verbal and nonverbal expectations communicate…
- When anything less than an “A” is grounds for punishment my children will feel pressure over grades.
- When I praise my children for their stellar performances and successes more than their character they will come to see our love and their identity tied to what they do, not who they are.
- When I habitually complement (or criticize) how they look, their appearance will likely become the determinant of their worth.
So, let’s dig deeper to see the root of what’s driving our desire for perfection in our kids (and ourselves).
I think there are at least two things at play: 1) We see our kids as a reflection of us. If they are doing good/look perfect, so do we. But where they fail to measure up, so do we. 2) Our innate, sinful tendency of trying to be our own savior.
By “trying to be our own savior” I mean, we resurrect standards of our own design to serve as measuring sticks. These measuring sticks become the things we hold ourselves and others against.
- For the parent obsessed with a child’s future, only A’s will do. It’s the only way to get in to that college which will lead to that job and that paycheck.
- For the mom seeking worth in her appearance, her measure stick is a certain dress size or number on the scale. For both she and her daughter.
- For the father living vicariously through his athletic son, a dropped ball is unacceptable. Nevermind the rest of the great game he played.
These measuring sticks or “laws” we subconsciously use as a means of self-salvation, or trying to be our own god. We live as if mastery of them is what will make us happy and whole. But we fail to realize the measure stick will never stay the same because there will always be something new we think we must attain. Sadly, this constant striving for perfection leads our kids to do the same.
But if Christ was holy, PERFECT and righteous for us, his identity is ours. This means we are already perfect in the eyes of God. And like I wrote yesterday, it is only His opinion that matters.
Believing we are enough because of who He is for us should free us. Nothing will make us more acceptable to God than we already are so we can stop seeking an identity in our merit. In Him we can stand secure even when we mess up, don’t perform well or look less than compared to our peers. We are even free to just be average!
Let’s teach that to our kids. It’s this truth they need to rest in with the power to alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety they feel.
For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
Related posts include: Parenting Pitfalls: Fear Parenting Pitfalls: Blindness Parenting Pitfalls: Permissiveness Parenting Pitfalls: Selfishness What I See after 8 years as a Middle School Parent
