On the Occasion of her Father’s and My 25th Wedding Anniversary: An Open Letter to my Engaged Daughter

Dear Rebecca,

Twenty-five years ago today I stood at the altar and said “I do” to your dad. In five short months you will stand at the altar and say “I do” to Jed. Only you won’t know what you are saying “I do” to. Neither did we. Nor do we know now what “I do” will entail over the coming quarter century.

Stepping back to think about blindly saying “yes” to an unknown forever sounds crazy. I mean, if marriage was a business transaction, making a covenant without clear expectations of the outcome would be complete foolishness. In the upside-down economy of God though, marriage isn’t about the profit, but a partnership. And there is great joy and much to gain, just not always according to the world’s way of thinking.

In fact, I have discovered over the last twenty-five years that much of what we have gained are not things we would have asked for or imagined when we stood in your shoes. All the more fitting, I think, that the verse inscribed in our wedding bands is Ephesians 3:20, “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us.”

With rose colored glasses on at the time, I didn’t know the abundance of God’s grace would best be seen not in the “for better” times, but in the “for worse.” And as any married couple knows, life circumstances have a way of interfering with happily ever after, always.

You and Jed will find this too. There will be days (while hard to imagine now) that you won’t like him very much, and he won’t like you. Life may seem easier without him and you might even question why you committed to faithfully love him in the worst of times, in poverty (whether financially, emotionally, or spiritually), and in sickness (physically or mentally). Exactly the reason many couples retract their promises and bail. And why it is more amazing to me now that people stay married than it is they divorce.

As you know, Dad likes to jokingly say, “Marriage is death!” What he means is marriage is more about giving up of ourselves for the other’s good than seeking to get. After all, at the heart of many marriage problems is not our spouse, but our own self-centered demand that our desires be met and happiness secured. 

To be honest, I’ve come to see through marriage that on many days I love myself more than I love your dad. This is ugly to admit, but marriage reveals our selfishness like nothing ever did before. (Parenting does the same.) What’s crazy is I see this recognition of my sin as a gain! For if it wasn’t for marriage, I wouldn’t know the depth of my sin in quite the same way. Because I do, I know more my need of a Savior today then I did twenty-five years ago. And through living redemptively with your dad for all these years—sinning against one another, seeking forgiveness, giving grace—God has been at work sanctifying us — growing us more in his likeness, which I also count as gain.

Furthermore, with better vision now of true love and commitment, I count as gain that I have a husband who endures with me. A husband who doesn’t treat me as my sin deserves. A husband who covers over with grace my many failures. A husband who accepts me as I am. A husband who has learned to bear not only with my quirks, but idols, without constantly throwing them in my face. A husband who sacrifices what he wants to do with what I want. A husband who works to enter in with me even when I don’t know what I feel. A husband who models to me the love of Christ.

I also count as gain that “I do” means we have each other even when we are home with no plans on a Friday night. We have each other when life stinks, and when life is awesome. The truth is, life’s ups are not as great without someone to share them with, and life’s downs would be far harder without someone to share in it. 

Because of all the shared experiences, we don’t have to explain ourselves. We are known. We don’t have to cover up feelings (though sometimes we still do) and we don’t have to cover up grey hairs and wrinkles. In other words, we can be with each other how God wants us to relate to him. And isn’t this just what He had in mind for marriage— that we would reflect his image to one another!

What you are embarking on, Rebecca, is far better, and far harder than you know now. But my hope is twenty-five years from now you will know Jesus better because of Jed, and he will know Jesus better because of you. Neither of you will do “I do” perfectly, none of us can. But Jesus was perfect for us, so in the same way that God upheld both sides of his covenant promise to Abraham, I see that though I promised “I do,” it is God in his abundant grace that enables your dad and I to faithfully keep walking side by side. So too, as God has enabled Jed’s parents, your grandparents and great-grandparents to do before you. So my prayer is you would fix your eyes on Jesus, the perfect bridegroom, and that he would equip you in all circumstances with every measure of his grace to radiate his love to Jed.

Love, Mom