It hit me last night as I sat alone in the living room reading a book of all things on Halloween that having no childen in costume out collecting candy in the neighborhood had put me on my way to empty-nesterhood. Now I know I’m speaking prematurely, as my youngest is only in sixth grade, and I have plenty of friends whose youngest will graduate with my oldest come May. But just like there are “tweens” – the in-between stage of being a child and starting to act like a teen – I have decided I fall into a similar category for moms. And based on my Facebook post comment about this, many of you identify!
It’s an interesting place. On one hand, for those of us with non-driving teens our afternoons and weeknight evenings are still full with carpooling, sports and activities, just as it is for moms with elementary age kids. So we are not at the place where we can freely go to dinner with friends or pick back up with Bunco and book clubs. Though I know that day will come soon enough. On the other hand, with our kids now having their own weekend plans I find myself often alone… I say alone though my husband is mostly home too because as a pastor he is usually in his home office preparing his sermon on Saturdays.
The first time I felt this was actually last summer when for the first time I wasn’t needed to go down to the neighborhood pool with my kids. Something I had done for about fifteen summers and all of the sudden it was over. That is what happened last night with Halloween, I hadn’t known it was coming until it was here – the feeling of being done.
It’s not necessarily that I wan’t to go back as evident when my friend with toddlers said she could bring hers to me :). It’s just realizing I am on my way to empty and don’t want it to make me empty! If that makes sense?
I’ve loved every stage of parenting and have never wanted to go backwards. And contrary to the dread many moms with younger kids feel, I love having teenagers. And, from what I hear having college-age and adult children is also wonderful. But what I am wrestling with is my identity as a mom as my mom responsibiliites dwindle and kids begin to spend more time away from the nest.
The thing is as moms our identities are so often found in that title, so feeling a void when the dailyness of being mom is gone is to be expected. I just don’t want it to cripple me. I still want to have life, joy and excitement around me.
As I ponder this, I am reminded my idenity first and foremost must be found in Christ. An identity sought in anything else is never secure. So who I am as a mom is not what defines me completely, it is Christ. If I try to find my worth in being a mom, it can lead to feeling like a failure, putting too much pressure on my kids or looking to them to fulfill me in ways they weren’t meant to. And if I do that to them, it will keep them from flying free in the way they are supposed to.
With an identity secure in Christ, I hope to be able to better let them go. And with life found in Christ, I trust along with the temporary emptiness of letting kids go there will be new opportunities for me to invest in other people and things. Only I know that in pouring myself out for others I will always become empty if I am not also feeding on Christ and remaining connected to his body.
So for me and for you On The Way To Empty, I believe it’s important we don’t isolate ourselves, which may require more initiating so that we are investing in others outside our family and involving ourselves in a church family for God’s glory and our good!
