- “I didn’t get up early like I told myself I would to workout and have a quiet time”
- “I stayed in my yoga pants all day while everyone else seems to find time to get make up on and dressed cute.”
- “I lost it on my child today. I’m sure I scarred her for life.”
- “The only way I can get reading in with my little one is to ark my older child in front of the TV. I know screen time is bad but how does everyone manage without it?”
- “My house is a constant mess!”
- “We had cereal for dinner AGAIN. What’s wrong with me that I can’t find time to cook?”
I frequently hear statements like these from exhausted moms trying to do and be everything required of her. She is as equally convinced of her failure as she is that every other mom is winning, which just heaps on the guilt and shame.
It wasn’t like this when my children were younger. Not that I never felt shame–certainly when our firstborn wouldn’t sleep through the night like a popular parenting philosophy claimed every baby should by a certain prescribed age I felt like a “bad mom.” But otherwise I don’t recall pervasive feelings of “mom guilt,” or even remember this term being used. Of course at that time Instagram and Pinterest didn’t exist, and without social media we had no idea what other moms were doing (or not), other than what we shared with our friends.
Today is different–not just for younger moms, but moms my age and every other age too. We are bombared with Superwoman messaging, and believe it’s up to us to produce happy, successful children. With this I’ve concluded there are four primary factors driving mom guilt. These are outlined below, as well as the consequences of mom guilt, AND most importanly the truth we need to dispel the lies that keep us from living in freedom and grace.
4 Factors Driving Mom Guilt
- Unrealistic Expectations – We are waaaaaay too hard on ourselves. We were not meant to be superwoman! We can’t be. But goodness, do we try, beating ourselves for either not accomplishing one of the many things on our to-do list we think we “should” have gotten to or for not handling something as perfectly as we think we “should” have. Stop “should-ing” yourself! Our Creator not only made us with a limited capacity but limited daytime hours by the dark of night. We would serve ourselves well by lowering our expectations for ourselves and accounting for the downtime we need for rest!
- Comparison – In part, the unrealistic expectations we place upon ourselves stems from comparison. We look around and think every other mom is succeeding. Somehow it seems everyone else really is superwoman! We see them at school drop off and they are already beautifully dressed for the day. These women never skip a beat it seems. They have time for Bible studies, to volunteer, meet friends for lunch, shuttle kids around, get a healthy dinner prepared, help with homework/reading and the like, laundry, trip planning and who knows what else. Is it any wonder when we assume everyone else is gliding through life that we feel down on ourselves and guilty for the things we know we haven’t done. But no one is doing all the things well each and every day. So focus on who God has made you to be and what He has before you each day.
- Fear of Man – It’s amazing how many things we do as moms that I feel like we do only because we worry what others will think of us otherwise. For instance, if you work, don’t have the time for some other reason, or simply want to use your time for something other than being a room mom or serving lunch at school so be it! Not everyone is cut out for or enjoys the same things or has the same flexibility. No reason to feel guilty. This may be the only time you hear me say— “you do you.” That phrase for me conjures up a permissiveness to do whatever we want, regardless of sin, and selfish mindset to not consider others. But in this instance, please don’t consider the opinions or judgement of others. There should be no guilt or shame in not doing what you don’t feel called to. Or, for not ever getting out of your workout clothes in a day. Or, not getting to your child’s reading. Or for not signing your child up for a certain activity or going to a certain school. Only God’s opinion matters, and he doesn’t put those burdens on you.
- Fear of Messing Up Your Child – I frequently hear moms voice worry over how their imperfections and failures will scar their children. This guilt over mess ups—whether actual or simply perceived—is filling moms with guilt and shame. But even in our insufficiencies, screw ups, and sin, God is at work in the lives of our children and ours. And contrary to what you might think, failing but dealing honestly with it becomes a positive shaping interest. It is self-justifying and sweeping of sin under the rug that will negatively affect your kids. Therefore be free of the fear and guilt. You are the best parent for your child—imperfections and all.
5 Consequences of Mom Guilt
- Anxiety and Depression – Laced with mom guilt, our worry intensifies over all the ways we feel like we are failing. This leads to distorted thoughts and false narratives that fuels the fire of our anxiety, affect our sleep, mood and general ability to function.
- Busyness and Striving – Burdened by feelings of not being a “good-enough” mom, worried over how we stack up to others or what others might think, we try harder to do and be more, which leads to striving and busyness. Ironically, the greater the demands and less rest that comes with busyness perpetuates the guilt that led us onto the hamster wheel and keeps us there.
- Overparenting and Control – Lots of helicoptering is born out of mom guilt. When this is the case, we are micro-managing to control for an outcome. We need our kids to look, do and be good so that we feel better about our “momming,” and others will think so too.
- Pretending – Worried what others will think if they only knew all the ways we had “failed,” we pretend to others we have it all together. We can’t possibly let them know what really went down in our house last night.
- Addictive behaviors – To cope with the “guilt,” it is not uncommon for struggling moms to turn to alcohol, food, social media, online shopping, and other vices.
6 Truths To Hold On to
- True guilt is from the Holy Spirit used to convict and lead us to repentance and peace. Mom guilt is born out of fear—that is not from the Lord.
- There is no perfect mom, but we have a perfect Savior and his record is ours.
- For freedom, Christ has set us free. We are not under the bondage of performance, others’ opinions or measuring up to some elusive standard.
- You are the best parent for your child. God gave you to your child and will use both of your personalities, temperaments, struggles, and stories for each other’s good.
- Your imperfections, fears, failures make you relatable to your child. Whereas presenting perfect isolates.
- God smiles upon you. You are seated. His love secure. Not because of anything you do or don’t do, but because he set his love upon you before eternity and made you his child.
May you hold on to the truth and live free of the guilt and shame!
