Making Siblings Friends

We could hear them up there talking when they were supposed to be asleep, but neither my husband or I could bring ourselves to make them stop. It made us laugh, actually.

These same boys who fought throughout the day seemed to transform into best friends and partners by night. Together in the room, each in their own twin bed, they told stories and giggled – sometimes way past lights out. But it was their time – brothers’ bonding time. How it’s been their entire lives.

Fast forward to this week.  After sharing a room for over thirteen years, big brother moved into the guest room, which was recently reoutfitted as his. I sort of suspect the only reason he made the switch though was because I kept hounding him over why he wasn’t sleeping in there after I had gone to the trouble and expense of redecorating.

This was, after all, their idea, not mine. I was the one giving in to their requests for their own room!

For months, even before their sister left for college, they had been bugging me about making the change this fall since guests could sleep in her room. Secretly I hoped they would forget about it so I deliberately dragged my feet on the project, which is why I didn’t expect them to be the ones dragging their feet now. But night after night there was some reason why that night was not the night for the move. What I realized is: it sounded nice to each of them to have their own space but when it came down to it not being in the same room meant no more late-night brother bonding time and that was making them sad.

I am not telling you this because I think every child is missing out if they never share a room (though there are certainly some underestimated perks). I write because when it came time for our daugther to leave for college, she realized she had missed out on precious time with her brothers. She now admits to too much time spent consumed with her own activities and friends with little regard to what was going on with the boys. So when it was time for her to move out, she wanted to hold on – or redo – rather.

Thankfully God is a God of second-chances and it is never too late. I absolutely love that when our daughter comes home from college she wants to go to the boys’ games, take them out for ice cream and partake in sibling bonding pranks. But it doesn’t have to take a sibling moving on, or it shouldn’t, to cultivate such sibling friendship.

It does take time and effort though; perhaps some creativity too. In our culture of busyness and self, there is no doubt that family life often suffers. Accommodating everyone’s individual schedules means connecting time together is sacrificed. And the more we go our separate ways with our separate friends, the more distant and disconnected we become even when we live in the same house.

As we head into the Christmas holidays and the time for New Year’s Resolutions, I think its worthwhile to consider what we as parents can do differently to both protect our family time and help our kids bond with one another. Really, is all the other as important? So let’s shepherd them to be their brothers’ keeper and shape them to long for togetherness so family is their safest place.

I have this vision of what I hope life will be like with adult children and their future spouses. Sometimes I already catch glimpses of it when we sit around the dinner table for longer than it takes to eat with everyone laughing, sharing stories, and even engaging in serious, spiritual conversations.

So when big brother goes back to his twin bed in his old room because he wants brother bonding time, what a blessing!  We named them to be – best friends. David and Jonathan of the Bible… it’s what we hoped for our boys – our David and Jonathan – from the time they were born. And the long-sighted goal we as parents must keep in mind day in and day out so they cherish what truly means most.