How many times as a parent have you nodded your head at your talking child only to realize you don’t have a clue what was just said?
I’m guilty and think we can all relate to not really listening at times. It may be we our more concerned with a task at hand, distracted by our phones, consumed with work, worry, conflict, a to do list or just too tired. But over time our kids pick up on our disengagement and if happens frequently enough they will eventually stop talking to us, as discussed in my recent article Why Teens Don’t Talk to Their Parents.
But even when I am fully listening it hit me this week how often I miss opportunities to move the conversation beyond the surface of what is said and to the heart – the kind of talk I really want with my teens. Twice this happened this week.
On Thursday while driving home from the middle school one of my sons told me the Honor Society banquet was that evening and he missed being an honor scholar because of his 89 in English that kept him from all A’s. I symphatized with his frustration and told him I was okay that he didn’t make the Honor Society.
But the problem is he wasn’t okay with it. He’s hard on himself and I know that but not until later as I played the conversation back in my mind did I realize I dismissed the conversation too quickly. I wish I would’ve probed more to see how not making the Honor Society made him feel about himself.
Was he beating himself up as if he wasn’t enough? Was he struggling with feeling like he didn’t measure up to his peers? Did he want to tell everyone his English grade in order to justify his missing presence at the banquet?
Hearing how he would answer such questions would have opened a window of opportunity to remind him who He is in Christ, to assure Him of his worth and deal with any pride, shame or idolatry in wanting to be viewed highly by others.
My other son would’ve benefitted from a similar conversation for a totaly different reason.
He told me that same day some of his friends were going to hang out together again over the weekend. What he was really communicating was hurt in feeling left out. It was a window of opportunity for shepherding his heart that I wished I would’ve pursued further.
If he felt excluded, was he struggling to know he was liked? Was he wondering why he was left out? Did he feel insecure or like he needed to try harder to be accepted?
He too needed to hear that his acceptance in Christ is secure. We could’ve also talked about how much we need Jesus to help us love others when we’ve been hurt…and how much we need the forgiveness and grace of Jesus for when we sinfully tear others down, gossip or judge as a means to minimize our hurt.
I can’t beat myself up over these missed moments, but I am thankful for the reminder of my constant need for God’s wisdom to help me see the deeper issues of my kids’ off-hand comments. And my need for His discernment as I seek to help them interpret what they are feeling and point them to Jesus in it.
If we want our kids to keep talking to us as they get older so we can speak God’s truths into them, we have to stay engaged. And this we can’t do on our own! We need Jesus, just like our kids. By God’s grace I was shown this week my need to pray more for my kids, and also for myself and my husband to be alert, ready and able to turn the small-talk windows into opportunities to go to the deep recesses of our kids’ hearts.
