Too many times to count now my kids have had a friend lose a parent or sibling. It’s hard enough for adults to know what to do or say in such circumstances, let alone how to help our children walk into it with a friend. Maybe it’s because death, disease, disaster, divorce is not something we were constantly faced with as kids – or at least I wasn’t, not in the way it is today.
The first time my daughter experienced the reality of death she was in fifth grade; her friend’s sister passed away from cancer. That same month my then five-year-old had a little buddy lose his dad, one of our good friends. And so, the conversation started then we continue to have.
First, how do we help our own kids deal with their confusion and grief?
We give them the gospel.
You may be thinking, what does the gospel have to do with it and how will that help their sadness? To this, I say EVERYTHING. In the beginning, death was not a part of the world God created. It wasn’t until Adam and Eve took the forbidden fruit that death and destruction entered the picture. But right afterwards is when God promised through the seed of the woman to send a Redeemer. He would make all things new again so that one day there would be no more tears.
While his promise was made certain in Christ’s finished work, until we are united to him in heaven the effects of the brokenness of this world are inescapable. Creation, The Fall, Redemption and Restoration – this is the gospel lens I want my kids to see all of life through. Apart from it there is no hope. While clinging to the gospel won’t take away our confusion and grief, it does reassure us that death will not win. “Even death will die,” as Audrey Assad sings in her song “death, be not proud.”
So we help them see the world through the lens of the gospel.
Now, how do we help them love their friend well?
- We teach them not to shy away.
As difficult as it is, we help them to enter in. This will obviously differ depending on the age of your child and your relationship with the family.
If we have a younger child, it may look like you setting up playdates to maintain some normalcy for the child whose world has turned upside down. Or, helping in whatever way is appropriate. But let your child see you act; to see you moving towards the family, not away.
With our older kids, help them know to do something. To ignore what happened is to show indifference. While their friend may not want to talk, he/she needs to know people care. Again, depending on the relationship, it may be as simple as a text. Or, it could be showing up and sitting in silence as Job’s friends did.
It’s one thing for adults to say, “I’m sorry” and “We’re praying for you,” (and we absolutely should), but kids need to know their peers are with them too. Coming directly from the sons of my dear friend who is a widow, one huge way they experienced withness was friends showing up at the funeral and being reminded by their names signed in the book.
What the kid who lost their loved one does not need is platitudes or spiritual grenades. Do you know what I mean by this? Let’s not just throw out scripture right from the get-go saying it will be okay. That’s not what they need in that moment. We can’t make it better so we shouldn’t try to give it a positive spin. “I’m sorry” and “I’m praying for you” is enough.
What they also don’t need is people saying, “I understand how you feel.” Unless you really do because you’ve experienced it too, you don’t. Losing a pet is not the same thing. Talking to our kids about these practical things will help them know what so many adults don’t, and equip them for so many more times to come.
- We remind them not to forget.
When the tragedy is not ours, we quickly fall back into the rhythm of regular life. But not the family. Therefore, remind your kids to reach out two, four, six months later. Have them put the date in their phone so they know a year later and beyond to check in because it may be an especially difficult time for their friend. And even if the friend doesn’t respond, assure your child that it doesn’t mean their remembering doesn’t bring comfort.
In fact, every year since fifth grade my daughter has texted her friend on the anniversary of his sister’s death. They didn’t even go to school together anymore because we had moved. But years later, as a college student he texted my daughter back on that day and said, “Thank you, you’re the only one outside my family who remembered today. That means the world to me.”
- We point to Jesus.
Because everybody experiences grief differently, we won’t always get it all right. But, in attempting to enter in we reflect the love of Christ.
Jesus came to live and die in order to make the world new. But he came as man to experience all that we do so that he could understand us and enter in with us. Because he suffered, he knows what we go through. He is our Wounded Healer. But he bestowed on us the high calling to serve as his hands and feet. So, for those who mourn, may our kids along with us reflect his image.
