Tomorrow it’s back to school. The start of the semester I’ve been dreading because in exactly 139 days our first-born, and only daughter, will graduate.
I can’t even wrap my mind around this reality. Yesterday, she was obsessed with the Little Mermaid and wore smocked dresses. And now she’s received her college acceptance and hopes to soon don sorority letters. I know, what?! Just yesterday I was wearing mine!
Now all I want to do – and have done quite a bit of – is cry. But I’ve been doing something else too and that is: Driving her crazy! What is so ridiculous is I know I am. I can sense it from her (you know, mother’s intuition) plus she tells me straight up. Even still, I can’t stop myself.
I want to hang on; she’s ready to let go.
I want to stop time; she’s ready to march forward.
I want to savor, she’s ready to soar.
Needless to say, trying to force her back into the little girl who wants to spend all her time with “mommy” isn’t really working for me. She is her own person (as she should be) and I love the person she has become, I just need help accepting that she can thrive without me.
Of course, I know she will! But by my constant reminding, directing, instructing – okay, nagging – I have made her feel like I don’t think she can survive without me and that she doesn’t measure up to who I think she should be (like me).
That is not at all what I think, but when I am seeking my identity in my role as her mom and trying to hang on to it instead of transitioning alongside her I can see how I have been driving a wedge between us. (Thankfully we are having honest conversations about this and always striving to live redemptively!)
Ironically, I’m writing a book and speaking this winter/spring on our true identity being found only in Christ and yet I often determine my own worth based on my identity as mom. Obviously being a mom is a hugely significant part of who I am, but trying to base our identity in anything other than Christ will always leave us struggling to know we are enough and striving for something more.
No person or thing can ever fill and satisfy us completely. Only God is big enough to give us a secure identity. An identity secure with a heavenly seat and His righteousness and worth because of His great love. But when perfect love and acceptance as only He can give is what we demand from others – whether it be a child, spouse, friend, parent or anyone else – we place unfair expectations on them and set them up to fail us.
For instance, if my child misbehaves or makes a bad decision, how do I respond? Do I take it as a personal attack? Do I think it is a bad reflection of me? If I am more affected by how it makes me look than the child’s heart condition, it is likely I am basing my worth on the child’s perfection and performance instead of God’s perfection and performance for me.
In the case with my daughter, I don’t want to let her go and am sad. Totally normal and okay! But by trying to control her because of my feelings, I am looking for her to deliver the love, attention and response I desire to feel needed and worthy. And perhaps also by pushing on her to do things in the manner I do things, I am seeking affirmation to my own “greatness” as if I am god! Ugh!
So as we move into this final semester I need help – His help – to rest secure in my true identity in Christ. To know His unending love and uncomparable worth that He has ascribed to me, not because of who I am or what I do, but because of who He is for me.
When I am seated with Him, the fact my daughter no longer needs me in the same way does not diminish my signficance. I will see I still have great purpose as her mom even though my role is beginning to look different. Even she being different than me will start to not drive me so crazy!
To get there, what I need most in this season is His grace to help me love my daughter well as we navigate newness together. And grace for her to give it to me!
great post kristen! it definitely is true. recognizing that we are finding our identity in being a mom…and discussing it when we fail.
making the adjustment to having our daughters go to college is not an easy one…but it is wonderful to watch our children become adults and grow in grace into the women GOD made them to be:) blessings to you as you move through this process:)
Thank you, Martha, for the encouragement! It helps hearing from women who have gone before me in this journey!
Everything we are experiencing over here as well. I needed to read this today and be reminded. Thank you! Our baby girls are so grown up now.
Tina – I miss you! I can only imagine how you feel with your baby girl being your last baby! Congrats to her on her school acceptances!
Awesome post my dear friend! I will be praying for both you beautiful women. For yes, your daughter is becoming her own women. I know you are proud!
Thank you sweet Retta:)!
All of the above x3!! knowing that it’s all normal “Mom” stuff doesn’t really help that much, but what might help is for you to hear how much you will enjoy the new and different sort of relationship you will have with you daughter in the years to come and the exciting things you have to look forward to doing with her. Love you both!!
Oh, how I can relate to this. The year my first daughter was a senior was when I started journaling like a fiend, so the anxiety did not go pelting at my daughter, but to God, where it could actually get understood and used. Those feelings turned into a fun book: “Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone,” ad advice book for daughters leaving home. Writing it helped me understand that our daughters will get help from many motherly voices.
I love it – I’ll have to check out your book! And, yes, writing definitely helps me too process my feelings!