Since our middle child was little he has been interested in a military academy. He’s now a high school junior faced with whether a military school is really the route he wants to go so we knew he needed to tour The Citadel.
But as those of you who have been through this process know, seeing more than one school is wise so for our recent college tour trip we tacked on a couple more. Otherwise what if he got to The Citadel and like I did as a high school senior visiting one college, knew the second I stepped on campus it wasn’t for me? Or, he may love it as much as he hoped, but as we told our daughter when she set her heart on Arkansas that visiting other campuses would still be good even if only to confirm her top choice.
So when it comes to visiting colleges, we’ve adopted the philosophy of my wise friend Stacy– visit an in-state school and an out-of-state school, a public school and a private school, a large school and a small-school. And for us too, a Christian school and secular school. Of course, with each school you hit each of these categories. But doing it with this in mind gives your child concrete things to compare and contrast.
Knowing our child, I felt he would need even a little more guidance to help evaluate his thoughts. I didn’t want him to just fall back on whatever we liked or disliked, without really evaluating for himself. Because kids who are about to go off to college need to be able to evaluate and confidently make decisions themselves!!
To that end, I created an evaluation form (see below to download) to help him process pros and cons, his questions and feelings. Now, I won’t say he loved this exercise (lol!). It was a little more like pulling teeth to get him to fill it out. But it was a valuable way to start the process that will ultimately help him arrive at a decision.
Now obviously, many of you readers don’t have one on the brink of college. But with any age child at home it is important along the way that we allow for age-appropriate decision-making instead of always thinking and acting for them. I know this can be challenging because let’s be honest, we want to control and protect. But we are not helping our children gain the independence needed to go off on their own if we don’t let them practice. And I can tell you now, I would be far more worried when my son leaves if I didn’t feel like he was able to think independently of us to make wise choices.
With this said, a few ideas for equipping your kids for decision-making:
1. Help them break the decision down.
Your child wants to go to a concert on a weeknight, but has a huge project and test later in the week. By breaking it down he will see that going to the concert will mean more work later in the week. The extra stress may be worth it, or it may not. But by helping break it down you give him the tools to evaluate whether or not to go.
2. Allow them to make mistakes.
Your child made have decided to go to the concert, and then discovers later his test and project are going to be way more time intensive than he realized. He ends up with a mediocre project (that you did not help him with!) and a low-grade on his test. Too bad for him! This is how they learn. We should not rescue them out of the consequences of their bad decisions.
3. Include them in your own decisions.
Have them help you brainstorm solutions to problems, evaluating possible results/consequences. A good area to practice this in is finances. For instance, your family wants to go on a vacation. To do so might mean cutting costs in other areas to help save money for the trip. Let them help you figure out where to sacrifice. This will also help them see money doesn’t grow on trees (so you may do this even if financially unnecessary)!
4. Build a biblical foundation.
What does God’s word say? If it something explicitly spelled out in the Bible as wrong, we have our answer (if the Bible is understood as absolute truth). But nowhere in the Bible does it tell my son where to go to college. However it does instruct us on the importance of hearing the gospel and being in community with God’s people. So with in mind, church and Christian fellowship becomes a filter for evaluating. Will the school/city help or hinder his faith? Or for a younger teen, this same way of thinking may be used to inform his Saturday night plans.
My list is obviously not exhaustive. But, I hope you find it to be a helpful start (or reminder) for seeking ways to do less hand-holding in order for your child to stand firm on his two feet.
Growing in grace together,
For those with college-bound kids on the horizon, you can download my College Evaluation Form HERE.
