In recognition of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I asked my college daughter to guest post with a letter to her high school junior self in the throes of an eating disorder. If you or someone you love is struggling with ED may her words speak hope. If you have not reached out to anyone for help, please do. And if either of us can further encourage you, we are here.
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Dear High School Junior Me,
I know that right now you’re not well. You believe that your life is not worth living, and you feel enchained to the never-ending, enslaving cycle of an eating disorder.
You’ve forgotten joy and you don’t know peace. You don’t see how much damage you’re doing to your body right now, and it breaks my heart.
You don’t see how beautiful, how innocent, how loved you are.
I hate to be the one to tell you, but worse days are coming. Days that will make the depression you’re currently in look like a cake walk. You will want to take your life and walk away from God for a period of time. You will be hurt in ways that will shake you to your core, and you will be afraid of yourself because you will soon realize what evil you’re capable of.
But, Rebecca, there will be better days. There will be days after those dark days that the joy will never compare.
You will learn to laugh again.
You will love Jesus more than ever.
You will one day come to know your worth and for the first time not equate your worth to your size.
I am so excited for you to get to those days, because it is really fun!! It is freeing and joy filled. The days are full of belly laughter and fellowship with friends. You’re going to love junior year of college. I promise.
Hang in there because what you are going through now, and what you will go through for the next few years are going to make the good to come much sweeter.
As for now, I want to hug you and hold you.
– I want to shake your skeleton-sized body and tell you that brownies and cookies and desserts do taste really good and that it is ok to enjoy them.
– I want to hold your hair back while you throw up and tell you that you don’t have to do this to yourself.
– I want to dry the tears from your eyes and take away the guilt that you experience after you throw up your meals.
– I want to rip off the sheets from over you in bed and force you to get out and be an active human in the world.
– I want to power wash the stench of death that seeps through your body, your words, and your actions.
– I want to turn the lights on inside your eyes to make them come to life.
– I want to go back and change it all to avoid the hurt and the darkness, but I can’t.
I wish for the gospel to be more real to your lifeless 16-year-old body. Thankfully, I know God is with you now and will continue to be and one day will reveal His goodness to you in such a way you can’t even comprehend.
You’re going to be ok, I promise.
You are not defined by a number on a scale, in fact… throw that nonsense away!! Wear clothes that make you comfy and confident, and quit wearing, saying, doing what you think everyone else would want you to… that’s so boring! Quit counting your calories and working out to punish yourself.
You are beautiful and you are so strong. Your body is capable of a lot so workout to make it stronger. Celebrate the big ole thunder thighs God gave you because they are strong! They will carry you through a lot. Celebrate the broadness of your shoulders because God made them that way. Strong. Powerful. So don’t cower.
Laugh with the double chin because when it shows, you’re uncontrollably laughing and beautifully unaware of your appearance. Embrace the wide hips, the tummy rolls, and the round face, because you were made by an artist who makes no mistakes.
He fashioned you in His image, and declared you more beautiful than the mountains, the seas, and the sunsets because you mirror Him, and He IS beauty.
He loves you. He choses you every single day. Forget what the boys say, you have value far, far, far beyond their opinions. You’ve got a Father who smiles down on you, who sings over you, and who love you more than you know.
I am so excited for you to finally learn this. And to rest secure in your true identity.
You’re not just gonna be ok, you’re going to thrive and run so freely.
Love,
College Junior Me
For more posts and resources on eating disorders click HERE.
